読者です 読者をやめる 読者になる 読者になる

故ジル・ローランを偲んで

A blog to remember Gilles Laurent, who died in Brussels Attack in the middle of making his film about Fukushima / this blog is organized by his wife Reiko Udo

言葉が出てこなかった。Words did not come easily.

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今日は初めて、「スピーチに失敗した」と思った。というより今にして思えば、”放心状態”に近かったのかなと思う。

Today I felt that my speech was failure. Or I should say, maybe I was sort of absent-minded.

 

いつもならば、どこかから言葉が降りてくるような、話しながら次の決め言葉が内側から出てくるような、そういう心地よいコントロール感があったのに。今日は話し始めると、言葉が時々、空中に吸い込まれていくような感じさえした。

Normaylly I was feeling like words come from somewhere, and I was able to choose them while I was speaking at the same time. I was even enjoying that sense of control. But today, as I was speaking eeach time, I felt that the words were drawn into air sometimes.

 

昨年10月以降、試写会や上映会などで登壇して、今日が7回目。過去2回はついに原稿も用意しなくなり、楽しんで出来ているかも、とさえ思っていた。「話し手としてただ者ではない」と評価してもらえたこともあった。こんな緊張しやすい私が! と、うれしく、確固たる自信が生まれてきたような気さえしていた。

Since last October, my speech was the seventh time. I did not prepare any drafts for last two occasions. Somebody even told me that I was quite a great speaker. I was feeling that my confidence was born.

 

そしてついに、今日は一般公開であり、本当の映画のデビューの日。

And finally, today is the debut of the film to the public.

 

だから今回も大丈夫・・・と思っていたら、ジルのリュックと一緒に登壇してたくさんのお客さんの顔を見た途端に、涙が抑えられず、曲がった口で、泣き声での自己紹介となった。「私は登壇して泣いたことはなかったのですが・・」

Yes, it will be all right, this time too... I was thinking in this way.  But as soon as I stood up in front of the audience with Gilles' backpack, I was not able to stop my tears. I was introducing myself saying 'I never cried on stage , but....'

 

隣に寄り添って登壇してくれたゲストの杉山晴美さんは、9.11で旦那様を亡くし、遺体は親指しか見つからなかった人。けれども、こんな自分だからこそ急な悲劇に見舞われた人の話し相手になりたいと、精神対話士という資格を取り、福島にも寄り添っている人。

The guest who stood beside me today was Mrs. Harumi Sugiyama, who lost her husband in the world trade center in New York on 11th of September. The only part of the body she could receive was 'one thumb' of her husband. She worte a book about her experience and later she got a license of a counselor to be able to console people who experienced sudden tragedy like hers. She is speaking with people from Fukushima too.

 

「生きていることが当たり前ではない。死ぬことが悲劇のようであっても、もしかしたら生きていること自体が奇跡なのではないか。私たちは生きていることに感謝して、瞬間瞬間をいとおしむことが、大事なのではないでしょうか」(杉山さん)

She says, 'Being alive is not just a normal thing. Death looks like tragidy, but maybe the fact that we are living is already like a miracle. We should be thankful for this fact and cherish all moments with grateful heart.'

 

最後の一言挨拶の時に、両手にいただいた花束に埋もれて、マイクが持てなかった私の代わりに、すっとマイクを差し出し手伝ってくれた。それが今日の象徴的な、出来事だったのかもしれません。私にはまだまだ、支えが必要。

She helped me to speak in the last moment, as I was not able to hold it because of lots of flowers. She held the microphone for me. That was the symbolic moment of today. For me, it seems that somebody's support is still necessary.

 

いつか、杉山さんのように誰かにすっとマイクを差し出せるようになりたい。もっともっと、強く優しい私になってみんなに恩返しが出来たら、と思う。「自分が失敗した」ってそんなことを気にかけているようでは、本当はまだまだ。

I would like to be somebocy like Mrs. Sugiyama in the future, who can help other people to speak naturally. I wish I could return the same amount of kindness to others or more. If I just care about my failure, it is so small.

 

もしかしたら、今日はジルもあまりの感激に言葉が出てこなくて、私と一緒にむせぶしかなかったのかもしれない。言葉のコントロールの二人三脚が、全然できていなかった!

Maybe Gilles did not able to let me speak smoothly because he also had too much emotion... we were not working good enough anyway, today !

 

司会の小林さん(配給会社・太秦の社長)・・・今日に限って、テンポ悪くてごめんなさい!

Sorry Mr. Kobayashi, the president of the distributing company, who worked as a master of the ceremony today.... I was not following rhythmically !

 

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 たくさんのお花を、ありがとうございました。ジル、おめでとう!

I received lots of flowers today. They are for you, Gilles !